lay it on the table

this will be.
the last time ill ever bring this subject up.
just something i gotta let out and keep out.

I remember the first time i saw you :) o that shorty that was standing with all those freshman boys outside the pooldeck. ahhha what a cutie. Was too shy to attempt a direct confrontation.
So i asked you for your name from afar. mistake number 1. Your face said everything, it was awkward beyond belief. But it didnt really hit me, i was just happy to have your name :).

Ahhha had you all up in my thoughts for awhile. i just had to tell someone. mistake number 2.
Mustered up the courage to walk up to you at lunch on a rainy day. Shit, i was amess LOL i couldnt strike up a decent conversation, just simple questions. I knew i was messin up cause i was getting all red and hot on a rainy day, and again awkward hahah -.-x.

After a while it started to change, we got to know one another a little bit better. And it wasnt SOO awkward anymore. we got closer after couple of chats and conversations. Ahha felt like things were falling into place. we'd greet in the hallways. slow pace, but im a patient guy :).

Ooo valentines day.
I didnt really have a PLAN but i guess id just go for the traditional bear and flowers. i also wrote a card for you but i never learned what happened to that.. -.- Bought a $10 bear earlier in the week and arranged some hookups on the bouquet. cost about $40 in all i was pretty short on money. plus had some reservations set up for dinner and a late night movie the next day i guess woulda cost me 40 more bucks for the dinner and tickets. I was going to do something else but id rather not say :x.
honestly i was stoked thursday night :D i couldnt wait to see what she would do or say. i hadnt been this tripped up over a girl in a long while hehehe x].
Well on that friday it wasnt as i expected. Well i gathered the courage to tell her that she was special to me and it took ALOT of balls for me to say that one little statement AND I MENT IT TOO. She replys, " haha ok." GAHH. D: She got everything (flowers, balloons, teddybear, my confession and my card), but i had no idea what she was thinking. honestly. i felt pretty shitty, it was raining, and on top of that i didnt get a single "thankyou" or a hug or ANYTHING. wtf :(. she didnt even walk with me... well she made me a couple of cookies (or i think she made em.. )
At least i had something to chew on while i was fuckin depressed in mathclass.
Well at least i got that date tmrw night right? :D
unfortunately turned out, she called me saturday afternoon and told me she had to go to her cousins place or somthing... hooray.. it was valentines day.

After that it kinda turned downhill from there.
I guess i was still upset over being all disapointed last week i didnt wanna do shit. i wanted to give up, fuck it. i shouldve. mistake number 3.
i just hung in there, waiting, enduring. things were ok. Little bit of hope still alive dreaming that things would suddenly turn around and youd realise that you mean alot to me. It was kinda hard to do. i felt ignored alot, shed make no attempt at all somtimes to notice me. its as if she wished i was just out of the picture.
Shed just run off with my friend or something never me, i guess thats when the jealous side i never knew started kicking in. she never said "brb"or "im going to go over there" just turned around and left.
there were times good times. But i never really told her how i felt neglected and ignored. mistake number 4. i shouldve told her everthin but then why? its not like she felt that strongly about me.it was hard to tell how she felt bcuz she just treated me like "some other guy." she treated my frends more special than i, it felt as though i was nothing special to her.
Emotions mounted up and disapointments began to increase. its comin to an end but it was dying from the start.
now were just friends, yay.

ive done everythin i could all you had to do was reach out but you left me hangin.
im just going to drop it. i wont let it drag me down any further...

im throwin my cards onto the table.
bcuz im done playing this game
and im over you

-thomas